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When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
How Big is Infinity?