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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.
The irony of social media is that the majority of users are all alone.
“Swearing is unattractive” I’m not attractive anyway so f*ck off
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
If I don`t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."