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I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”