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I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
You’re going to make some cats very happy one day.
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
what is the difference between a Fly and a mosquito? ``A fly can fly, But a Mosquito can`t mosquito``
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.