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Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
I`m starting to think all that stuff about Y2K is not going to happen !
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every Cat purchase.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I wish that life had an option for viewing other available episodes.