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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
Guys that try to pick up girls on facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
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I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.
Why does the person who snores always fall asleep first?
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.