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Based on the sound of her walking.. My upstairs neighbor seems like the kind of woman that starts sentences with; "Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum.".. O_o
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.