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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
I`ve been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We`ll all be dead soon anyway.
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I`m still looking for ideas.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.