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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn, went to 2 Birthday parties, ran 6 miles, then told a bunch of lies on Facebook.
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"