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I need new swear words.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m an apple.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
exercise........you mean extra fries
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.