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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
How come know-it-alls don`t know how annoying they are?
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.