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People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
If there`s one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it`s... "Goonies never say die!"
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
I’m always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...