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Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone