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Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
The only dates I get are updates.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.