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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!