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I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
I don`t care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Being gay is fine. Being lesbian is fine. Being straight is fine. But do you know what’s not fine? Wearing crocs. That is NOT okay
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.