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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
My memory foam has amnesia
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...