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Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
the difference between people and celebreties ...... celebreties don`t have a routine
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I know how much she will cost me.
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.