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*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.