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I inboxed a girl on Facebook and she never replied. I guess you could say we`re `seen` each other.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.