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My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."