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If only life was as easy as getting fat.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
That sounds fried. I`ll take it.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.