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"I`d like a bowl of soup please." "Any sides?" "I hope so, or it`ll go EVERYWHERE."
In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
Being an American is awesome. The end.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!