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According to my nipples, summer is over
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!
it`s friday o clock
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.