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As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
Is bloodletting still in use today? Just thinking...I know a couple of people here that may be in need of some bloodletting
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.