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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the internet.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"