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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.