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"Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.