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I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
Of course you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the definition of ignorance!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.