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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
Billy Ray Cyrus made a million dollars at a playgirl photo shoot. He just started taking his clothes off and they paid him to put them back on.
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.