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3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
This nude beach would be great!...if I wasn`t the only one participating.
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.