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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
Happy 4th of July ... U can toss out the Christmas tree now
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.