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The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
TEIAM - problem solved
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
My posts come from a dark place.. I haven`t paid my light bill in 3 months.
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.