Daily Silly Status

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."

I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"

If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.

I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.

I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.

I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.

It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.

Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!

Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs

They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.

My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.