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I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything?
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
Something I will never understand: Why it’s acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out.
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Same sex marriage? Heck, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.