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I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking!
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.
I scream. You scream. The police come ... It`s awkward ;)