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A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
I don`t understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I`m always ready for bed.
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
Dont freeze your Common sense in the process of being COOL.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.