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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that Iām married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Iām positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.