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If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, put it all on social networks
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.