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I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I`m awesome...just ask me...!!!!
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
Don`t you just want to write on some people`s Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...