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I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
This "NORMAL" you speak of, doesn`t sound fun at all.
is a mystery you´ll never solve
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
Gone insane. Be back Tuesday.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".