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Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
Such a satisfying feeling when “the one that got away” turns into “dodged that bullet”
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?