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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin? (asking for a friend)
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
if your dirty, your dirty... you cant fix it
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...