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Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
Don`t know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. Problem solved
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.