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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.