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I bet Waldo’s parents are worried sick.
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
I give myself the best presents.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
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A court date is still technically a date, right?
never tell a lie...unless it is true
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.