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When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it`s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...