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Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
I do my best proofreading after I hit `send`.
I`m "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
Why are you walking away when we`re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! ... At least give me your number!
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!