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Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
I dare you to spit on this status.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.