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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
Jesus is coming.... look busy
According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
"Iyam A. Wii Todd" <-- Bet you can say that name out loud, in a crowded place, and really fast!
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi