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I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.
If booze isn`t the answer, then your question sucks.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.