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I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.