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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.