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My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
What is this `wrong hole` you people speak of?
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know Iām delicious but damn.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?