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They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.