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Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.
Iām not always rude. Sometimes Iām sleeping.