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Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Is it the S or the C that`s silent in scent?
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.