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I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
Why do they call a grapefruit a grapefruit? I mean there is already a fruit called a grape!!
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
I need chapstick on my lips ... anyone want to share ?
I wish that life had an option for viewing other available episodes.
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.