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Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Iām pretty much always down for a snack.
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
I can see your camouflage pants, so they`re not working.
I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.