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Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.